As I was out walking the other day two phrases came into my head around bereavement – I cannot stop crying and I cannot cry – and I began to think about the meanings these phrases have had for people I have worked with during therapy sessions.
Today’s blog is focussing on what happens to us when we find it hard to stop crying and perhaps some of it will resonate with you. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
When a loved one dies, we experience a whole range of emotions, feelings and cognitions: loss, bewilderment, disbelief, anger, guilt, shame, trauma, shock, tears and crying, relief, pain, lack of control of the situation and of ourselves.
In my experience people have described both physical and emotional reactions to their bereavement.
Physical Reactions
Our bodies take over and we react in ways that we may never have experienced before, and it takes time to understand what is happening within us. We feel pain in our hearts, and the stress coursing through our veins that cause our joints and muscles to ache with grief. Sleep can be disturbed, and we do not get the time to rest and recuperate.
Emotional Reactions
For some people crying is a great healer. It releases tension, pain and is a form of communication when there are no words to describe the feelings being experienced. I have worked with many people who managed to contain their tears around friends and family so that they did not burden those dear to them with their grief. They say they cry when they are alone as they do not want to distress anyone else. They come to therapy overflowing with tears and spend their time with me releasing those tears and making meaning of their sadness.
Is Crying Normal?
Yes, it is. Crying is a normal reaction to our painful experiences. Is not being able to stop crying normal? Yes, it is. You are bereft and this is your way of releasing all the pain you feel. Perhaps you feel under pressure from yourself and others to stop crying, but I wonder if that is realistic for you right now? Is crying part of your grieving and healing process? Do you need to allow yourself the time to go through this painful process?
Finding help
Talking your feelings through with understanding friends and family is one way to share your tears and process your thoughts and emotions. Those close to you will know what you are going through. But if, as I mentioned above, you do not want to worry or burden them, then there are always professionals, counsellors and psychotherapists, who can support you at this time.
I have worked with lots of people who have felt like you feel right now. Their journeys through their loss have been painful, of course, but as they learnt to understand themselves better, they were able to adapt to life without their loved one and their tears began to flow less heavily and less frequently.